<< ...So what the heck is a durian, anyway?!
Durians are a soccerball-sized fruit, brown-olivegreen with a hard spiny, prickly exterior. Overweight green pregnant hedgehog would be an apt description.
A.k.a. the "King of Fruits" (the title "God of Fruits" is reportedly under dispute), there is obviously more to them than meets the nose.The large-seeded fruit within is yellowish-white with big seeds. However, getting to that point can be tricky - one is confronted by their uniquely foul, overpowering, eye-watering, breath-takingly unforgettable smell long before one meets them. This smell has been described as compost, unwashed socks, sewage, dead rats, overripe jackfruit as well as unprintable less-charitable comparisons. Speciality restaurants serving durians even install special ventilation systems!

Reputed aphrodisiac
A popular saying around here is that durians "smell like hell but taste like heaven"...... I wouldn't know. With a taste reported variously as "being a little like custard" and "tastes like onions", I have to admit my epicuriosity is at an all-time low as regards trying this fruit. I am not alone in this reluctance, very few Westerners admit to liking the potent fruit. English novelist Anthony Burgess noted that dining on durian is like eating vanilla custard in a latrine!

Another saying is that "when the durians come down (from the trees), the sarongs come off"!!! That the awful stench and taste of durian can even be imagined to be an aphrodisiac is a complete mystery.

Loved, hated, confiscated, banned..

The ripe fruit is banned from hotel rooms (be they ever so humble), taxis (they tend to smell like a goat died in them), buses (offenders have had their durians physically grabbed and thrown out) and ferries. Singapore's spotless subways sport no-durian signs. Singapore Airlines has banned them from its planes (although it's rumoured that Cathay Pacific will transport them). This probably also accounts for their scarcity in the West (imagine piloting a load of durians across the world!).

The popularity of the fruit is mirrored in the multitudinous uses of both name and fruit: "Durian Republic" is a trendy clothes franchise in the Philippines, while Davao city in southern Mindanao (Philippines) is the "Durian City".

Contrary to the belief of a non-fan ("durians must come from 'Durian Planet', in outer space"!), most durians grow in the wilds of Southeast Asia, where deforestation threatens the crop.

Durians can be grown in plantations, but since only >15-year old trees bear fruit, the economics of such projects make painful reading. However, good news for Durian-lovers fearing price hikes: Research into reducing the juvenile (non-fruiting) period is well in hand.

Durians are an expensive obsession in south-east Asia, where fruit plantations are closely guarded during harvest season. The fruits don't come cheap, and the demand far outweighs the supply. Lovers of the fruit have even been known to mortgage their possessions to gorge themselves.

Considering sinking your savings into the durian business? Beware the mock durians! You also have to know "How to choose durian", obviously a process fraught with dangers as evidenced by the very funny article, a must-read.

So now you've invested in a durian and await the next step with trepidation - what's next?! ....

So I've got one - now what?!
Well, open it up and start chomping! Read Durian-jumping for tips on how to open it. Apart from its obvious use as a fruit, it is used in candy, milk shakes and icecream (tame stuff, in my opinion, it took a Westerner to invent the lethal "Get smashed with Durian" cocktail!).

Tempoyak is fermented durian, a Malaysian equivalent of aged cheese, eaten cooked or uncooked with rice. It supposedly retains all the flavor and nasty smell of durian. Durian seeds are eaten cooked.

Last but not least, the fruits mace-like spiny exterior doubles as a weapon, sometimes inadvertently, 'cos they tend to fall at night, so when they fall, don't be under them! Also, when hefting a durian, remember to stand with your feet apart as it may part company with its stem and land on your unsuspecting footsies! Pain will then take on an entire new meaning.

A final warning
Washing down durian with beer reputedly produces copious amounts of gas that can blast your insides to smithereens! And ... durian-induced bad breath is even worse than garlic breath!

Now - all that remains is for me (in the best journalistic tradition) to ingest some fearsom durian myself and document the process painstakingly. I've been prevaricating for the past 4 years, interviewing various expats on their experiences and being increasingly put off by these - c'mon, would you willingly put a piece of garlicky-oniony-tasting fermenting compost-smelling fruit into your mouth unless you were high on something?

While I'm psyching myself into it, check out these Cool Durian links!

- Durian Online: cartoons, quotes, poems and songs all featuring the durian.
- NY Times articles: "Putting Exotica To The Taste Test" & "Love It or Hate It.."
- Daniel eats Durian Fruit  - a wacky site with lots of pictures.
- Shaped like a hedgehog, smells like compost - very amusing!